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May 03 最後的痕跡從 2005 年開始 , [ 存在的痕跡 ] 寫滿了淋雨多多曾有過的心情 , 遇見過的人 , 品嘗過的悲傷 .
每一次都有鼓勵堅強 , 每一次都有重新出發 .
即使傷心, 即使痛苦, 通過幫助其他人 , 通過分享的感覺 ,
都會有一股力量冒出來, 給予我持續的動力 .
那就是作為一個醫生經常在做的事 - 去碰觸別人的感覺 , 溶化他們的悲傷 , 給予復活的力量 .
只不過 , 能醫不能自醫 .
嗯...... 我病了.
到了今天 - 淋雨多多的悲傷已囤積了太久太多 , 面臨著崩提的界線 .
那口溫柔的水井早已經不起朝夕的汲取 , 而日漸乾枯 - 那份力量也就隨之一點一點失去.
我的觀點開始模糊了 , 我的感覺已開始迷失了 ,
我的笑容只剩下近乎固執的呈現 , 已很少出現全心全意真正開心的笑了...
我已不再確定我帶來的是幸福? 還是讓你懊惱的煩憂 .
變成那樣的我 , 不是 " 明天見 " , 不是 " 下次見 " .
明天還是一樣會來 , 明年還是一樣的在 .
不過淋雨多多已不再 .
這名字代表了我超過5年的過去 , 而到了現在 , 那記憶裡的種種往事就像是每一串懸在窗邊的點點滴滴 , 一顆又一顆地掉落.
多少紛爭 , 多少煩憂 , 多少愛恨 , 多少悲傷 , 全都溶入了那如初始水潭般的心坎去.
這次之後 , 沒有甚麼淋雨不淋雨的理由了 , 再也沒有那個站在雨中 , 懂得悲傷感覺的多多了.
被悲傷淹沒的醫生 , 既然已不能治療別人的傷心 , 就只能求去.
不過在最後這裡, 還是有一些話希望大家能永遠記得 :
真正值得的事情 , 就要去堅持 . 即使會難堪 , 即使會被說是異類 , 即使受儘委屈 , 苦了自己 .
全世界都在笑你錯的時候 , 大聲告訴他們 : 因為我錯過 , 所以我知道甚麼是對 , 我就能不迷惑, 去做 "對" 的事.
需要力量的時候 , 我謹以這篇送給你 , 一份 " 去面對的勇氣 "
我該說的 , 都說完了.
我該做的 , 也都做了 .
我該留下的勸言 , 也都寫在這部落格內了.
再見了 , 大家 .
找一個能暫時靜下的空間 , 閉上你的眼睛 , 幻想一個海邊的早晨 :
有風 , 有浪 , 有雲 , 有光 .
有一望無際的遼闊.
 而微風一吹 , 便有我給你的陽光萬里 .
天空海闊 , 你還有甚麼放不下的 ? January 20 尊孔國中
這篇是在 facebook 內 尊孔國中 的discussion board 留下的只字片語.
多時不寫的我 , 看到了母校的名謂後心頭一陣洶湧 , 寫下了記憶中殘留的感覺.
昨天又經過了....在夜半人靜的時候.
深鎖的大門不能讓我一窺全貌 , 不曉得這指引了我人生的母校 , 變了多少? 學校內曾經熟悉的老師長輩們 , 如何了 ?
尤記得當初我可算是班內數一數二的怪人 , 行動舉止怪不在說 , 甚至連想法 , 思考的方向也和別人不一樣.
除了引來奇怪的目光 ( ? ) , 相信在老師眼中 , 即使不太吵鬧的我卻肯定不得歡心.
是因為我敢敢在最兇的高級數學老師面前睡覺, 而且不只一次嗎 ? 還是因為從來不做歷史堂的功課 ?
理科班的學生卻偏偏對3科理科 - 物理/生物/化學 - 絲毫不感興趣 , 對於能否畢業也沒有期望 ?
不愛滿口道德仁義 , 所以數年來拒絕遞交道德教育科的作業 ?
寫得一手極丑陋的字 , 速度卻一點都不快 ?
功課不好卻連運動神經也欠缺 ?
一無所長是嗎 ?
當時總是有種難以言語的格格不入 , 哪想到今天的我卻如此截然不同 ?
十年人事幾翻新 , 不知道再過去十年 , 我們又會變成怎樣呢 ?
太多的問號 , 答案卻永遠只有一個. 不推開那道門 , 便永遠不知道 , 你將會看到甚麼. December 31 我是甚麼人其實我一直力求自己簡簡單單地去過生活。 看到以上這一句，你會怎麼想？
我是一個簡單的人？
不是的。
再看多一次那個句子：正因為我力求，所以“簡單“正正是我想要的。
那麼你會不會說，我是一個復雜的人？
我想是的。
每一個持續性寫文的人，無論是歌詞、詩、任何文體，應該都是復雜的人。
因為若腦子不是裝載了這麼多心情、記憶、感受、經歷，
不會一次又一次地，拿起筆、敲健盤、按手機，
把心裡留下這麼多的碎片，整合為一個又一個的故事。
我是想要做一個完全簡單的人的。
因為我的確做得到，也正在做著。
我玩電腦遊戲的時候，真的很簡單。
攻擊直接，打怪不太選擇種類、經驗值、耗瓶量、相容性。
真正的生活也很多時候很簡單：吃飯看電影上網聊天電腦看書。
吃飯─能吃、值得、就好。
看電影─恐怖會嚇到、刺激會緊張、開心會大笑、感動會落淚、沉悶會無聊。
上網聊天─會找朋友關心、支持、發表意見、寧聽。
電腦─玩遊戲、研究、掃毒、工作、修理。
看書─漫畫會笑、武俠會緊張、魔幻會好奇、情感會動心﹝也會淚﹞。
寫到這裡，你是不是會覺得我其實不是簡單﹝這麼多東西﹞，
而肯定我是複雜的人？
我還是會說不是：因為我在做這些事情的時候都只是在做那件事。
全心全意地，轉注地做。
人們說雙子座是一個花心人，不會只是喜歡一個人。
我想這是對的。
但是看看我剛才所說的，再加上這一句：
我不會說一生人中只能喜歡一個人，因為連人生都沒有絕對地長或是短了，有誰能夠說得準呢？
但是我喜歡一個人的時候，就只會喜歡她一個。
我很固執、堅持、不輕易放棄，卻同時地能包容、兼顧、體諒她。
如此來說，不就是能夠維持一段感情比較長久麼？
那麼看到這裡的你，是不是覺得，
我既複雜，同時也可以很簡單？
如果是，那麼我是甚麼人？
再加一個貼士：我是金牛雙子，既受金牛影響的專一、固執，卻極似雙子的多樣化、兼容。
是不是有答案了？
你看明白我了嗎？
我﹝們﹞都是矛盾的人。
 人，常如蝶翼般地相對稱。然後又肯定地不盡相同。
後話：
如果複雜的時候比較多，何必不乾脆就去做我自己？
如果簡單的時候比較多，何必不直接了當下去，簡簡單單，無憂無慮？
別忘了：人類都是那麼一點點地，有簡單，有複雜。
因為我們是如此相似，卻又那麼地不一樣。
相別的只是哪一方面佔比較多。
而我，只是兩邊都同時蠻多、轉換蠻快而已吧。
我還是我呀。 August 29 在空間的日子3999 , 一個值得紀念的數字 . 不算多 , 卻是我始料不及的來訪客次.
 今天早上看到計算器時 , 才想到開始寫空間以及博客已經有這麼一點日子了.
回想起從剛剛開始的不懂 , 到現在自在地寫出自己感受 , 這中間的確經歷了許多許多....
" 有沒有改變呢 ? " 我想是有的.
改變...本來就是自然會發生的事情. 問題是在本質有沒有失去了原先的意義...
我想我可以說 : 我內心裡頭相信的美好事物 , 還是在那裡 , 還是一樣覺得重要 , 還沒有向這個社會妥協 . = P
路不拾遺是一種 , 誠實是一種 , 面對錯誤也是一種 .
所有的事情 , 壞的好的 , 都從小事開始 , 就看你選擇哪樣.
" 對於一個25歲了的男生來說 , 似乎幼稚了點 ? " 我不太在乎 , 我相信的哪些 , 都是值得去堅持的 , 即使會遭遇譏笑.
============================================
 順帶一提 :
我已經不再在陰霧裡頭 ,
不過我還是喜歡淋雨多多這個名字 .
它提醒我來自那裡 , 傷過 , 也幸福過 .
所以更珍惜現在自己擁有的東西 ,
包括眼前 、身邊的人 .
太多的在乎 , 很多時候正正是你失去的原因.
有時候 , 我們需要學習放手 , 讓對方跌倒 ,
for you to learn how to pick yourself up.
因為我不能無時無刻在你身旁呢 .
想要做到即使我不再 . 妳仍然能夠保護自己.
August 08 還債是虧欠嗎 ? 是的 , 我一直都這樣認為...
和妳在一起的時候 , 妳說過我沒有為妳做些甚麼 < " 廣大的宣言 " , " 在公開的媒體 " 如打電話上電台之類 , 宣告"我愛妳". > 一直到我近幾年開始了寫博客文章 , 也都沒有提到妳. 這就是我虧欠妳的. 知道妳酸溜溜的滋味 , 可是妳可知道 , 為甚麼我都沒有說 ? 三年的感情 , 不短 , 何況是妳我的第一次 ? 那時候的妳 , 成績一直都不差的 , 我卻可以明顯看得到 , 分手前的一年 , 因著我們時常吵架的關係 , 妳的功課越來越退步. 如果不是真心喜歡妳 , 三年前的我 , 不會做這麼一個決定 , 來給妳更好的人生. 是不是對的 ? 我不知道. 我只能做當時自己認為是對的東西. 知道妳學士畢業了 , 我很欣慰. 雖然不能參與妳的畢業典禮 , 不過至少妳的人生 , 會有一個好的開始. " 是值得的. " 我那時候對自己說. 猶記得和妳分開的時候 , 掩飾自己的心意來表現決絕 , 深深埋藏的感覺 , 種得很深...直到很久很久 , 才能放開. 為甚麼很久很久 ? 就是因為我沒有把它釋放出來 , 它一直埋藏在我心底 , 深深的 . 我不敢動 , 也不去碰 , 沒有寫文 , 沒有感想 , 留待它沉靜湖底. 是有甚麼目的嗎 ? 也不是. 我無法說明為甚麼過去幾年都不面對它 , 可是今天 , 我清楚知道 , 我必須讓它離開. 既然妳已經開始了新的生活 , 我也不應該綁住自己 , 而不給自己一個全新的開始.  所以 , 現在我來還債了. 還給妳 - 我一直虧欠妳的文. 希望現在的妳 , 過得幸福. ============================= 後記 : 現在的我已經不一樣了 ~ 至少我不再會輕易放手. 就算是很痛 , 只要是共有的感情 , 我就不會放棄. 下一段感情 , 我一定會是個對妳最好的情人. March 16 16th March 2007 - i will remember....Gemini of 16th March 2007 :
You should be feeling especially strong, healthy, and charismatic, and are likely to receive some invitations to some exciting parties.
You might be surprised at what appears to be a sudden increase in your level of popularity.
Expanded opportunities on the career scene could also come your way from new acquaintances, and you could find doors for a whole new life will open- new friends, new position, and possibly even a new home.
-------------------------------
I just signed my contract today with F-Secure Company , for the position of Level 3 Technical Support , directly employ under them.
I was very surprised that given such chances , where looking at my Edu profile i have only DIploma with me.
The above description matching a lot with my situation and hopefully it will be as what it said ...
Wish me good luck , everyone !! January 16 為甚麼名字叫做 淋雨多多 .....為甚麼名字叫做 淋雨多多 ..... "你為甚麼又淋雨了 ? " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 故事的開始 ...在某一年的秋. 那個時候的他, 拼搏工作得不要命, 晚班能待就待, 假日能回來就會來. "多多?哪是甚麼名字啊?彩票??" 那是第一次他正眼望著她 . 好景不常, 女生其實來自鄰國, 只是度假半年的時間 . 回了國後, 他們還是有聯繫... 有一次....他們一起看雨. 從此, 如果可以, 他們都會一起看雨...一邊通過電話聊天. 只是後來, 女生開始不太有時間去聯繫, 一直都說是時間不夠用....連雨, 也少看了.漸漸地,冷卻. 有一天... 然後.
後記 : 應一個朋友...到一個論壇逛逛...建立登入的時候..他就放了這麼一個名字..."淋雨多多" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 22 Gemini's Day on 22nd OCT 2006My day ......
You may be feeling tired and a bit wrung out today, dear Gemini.
Though you are a workaholic by nature, even you are forced to admit that this is a day to stay in bed.
Give yourself these few hours to regroup and recoup your energy.
You will need to be operating at peak form for all the work that is likely to hit your desk next week. July 19 What's next ?It's July again .... at year 2002 i was graduated from TARC , stayin the KL TAR college for just only a month time in the Advance Dip ...have no choice but got to get out from there cause of financial problems .... I still remember what i told myself that time " Earning money and work out a career isnt just about paper ... i have something that others dont have ... People use 2 yrs to get what they want , i'll use 3 yrs then..... If i am destiny to prove to others that i could do it without having a degree certification , so be it. "
By that time it was all fresh and new for me , tho i got only ngam ngam pass de english to converse with people and interviewer , but with my Diploma in Merit only , not one ever want to take me as a Junior Programmer ... Diploma is way too fresh too noob for them to hire , not to mention they got to consider will i leave the company after used them as training ground ... well ...i must admit , definitely i need a training place when i just get into the society working ... they just doing the right thing for themselves.
After a months of time ..going out to look for job and interview almost every day or 2 , had applied with not less then 100 jobs but only 13 interviews i been to. It's not easy to have them consider a Diploma , and in that 12 interviews , 5 of them is just job agency to have your profile include into their database , 1 fake agency where only want your money for the so call services but actually did nothing , 3 finance / broker company would want you to bring in more accounts through your family and friends , and ... finally 2 would like me to wait for the news if there is any 2nd interview , 1 asked me to apply for the sales position cause eventually i have more experience and they think i'm doing better instead of just with my diploma knowledge.
I didnt take up all those offer , continued my search for a job in the IT field , where it ends at August , i started to work as a Sales Promoter for fragrance - lasted for 9 months. The job is a freelance work , where you take 1 promotions of those fragrance normally would be 1 week , and you got to have next offer for another promotions so you would get your income continue coming. I can assure you , you wont feel like want to have such holiday when there is no job offer. “今日不知明日有冇饭吃” 的滋味实在很彷徨。Work for 10 hours a day , standing straight without any seats provide , holding 2 bottels of water spray , prepare to jump into infront of any past by customer to deliver them a piece of test paper , praying that fragrance sense right for them and they willing to stop to listen of you for more info. Some customer just joke around and enjoy the free fragrance to have on all over their body - Gosh even got a few times those people spray difference sense of perfume .... the mixture just would kill anybody. BTW during that time , i dont have to apply any perfume cause doing this job , those sense are like stick on you forever even after you get home and take bath - you cant get rid of it.
After the fragrance sales job , i go for interview very often and when my saving is about to run out , i get to this job from e-Genting : a Customer Serivce personnel, RM 1100 permonth. I got to receive calls , answer enquiries of the products and MUST try to sell it. At the beginning i learn it well and trained my english converse skill , but yet i quit the job. A very minor part is due to the salary , but where the most i concern is , this project , from AIA , selling the accident insurance for old folks that exceeded age 55 , but it ends up that after a few months working.... i found a lot of misdirection words in the brochure and for me i'lll call it HOAX.
I quit the job after i found another one which is being a Juniopr Consultant in an IT jobs agency - I thought i would be able to fasten up the process to find a way to put myself back into the IT line , if i could get a hand on those available IT jobs in the market , before anyone else. Worked around 3 months at there only , it is because i couldnt take it at all - by staring at ppl's resume, read documents for the whole day without any break , work around whole day just in the Microsoft Outlook for candidates resume and e-mails. But i did learn a lot - I got the experience and understanding of how is the Agency working , how do you make a attractive resume and what is the proper way to present yourself during the interview , what score the most for an interviewer to mark it on you , the procedures of how is your application being process and goes to the real job's vacan company .... Everything is very previous for my whole life as i learnt a lot.
Quit this Job's agency consultant job right after i found this : e-Games Sdn. Bhd. http://www.e-games.com.my . It's the most impact to my life ever . At first , i was playing this game introduced from my friend : Kelvin aka JMD http://BabyPiggyCactus.spaces.msn.com - Dragon Raja. It's an MMORPG , where i get to know a lot of friends from there and we become close friend in real life. I was playing this game and then there was a news : Terra ICT have got their loan from Government of 60 Million to develope the Online Game portal leading in South East Asia. Therefore i go to Dragon Raja websites , go to their job vacna section , applied for the position of System Support.
June 21 100 movies
Have you seen 100 movies ? 01. Se7en
Should i ? make it to 200 ..100 seems not enough wor...a lot more movies i watched not list here...
hehehe how about urs !! ? leave a permalink in comment section lah ~ k ? = ) give face give face plz.
May 25 Refurnishing my space ...I have a close fren , her name " Marry " , where she like my spaces , but complain that it was 80% in chinese and she couldnt read it ...
Therefore , i decided to add english version for all my post in the blog , to let her read what had i wrote before....
I cna foreseen that this will be very tough for me , as my english isn't really that good to express what i had said in chinese ...I still prefer with Chinese writing as the very first point , just because it is the language i can master in it , tweak sentence and words to show the feelings , thoughts, experiences of my hidden heart.
I'm doing this because she is a special someone that really give a damn on my day, my problems and sadness, though she always have to manage space for her work , her bf and her personal life. ..
I hope she will like those English Version i am going to add in.
And i want to say thank you. = ) May 23 The List - 1Dont know what to write in my blog ..it seems empty for very long and i do have a lot of running thoughts , just cant catch them and put it down here....so...at this early morning when i reach at office and seems quite free...i start to write this as many others had wrote before ......
Things that i want or i am dream for :
1.) To be together with her
2.) A new job / promotion / work foreign and earn more than 4k above - so that i can take care of my family , bring them to vancation , buy some presents for them without wait for any festive or happening.
3.) Study back - I am hoping it so much cause i would not want to stay long as what i am now , i want to move on , but i guess this is the most impossible one now....
4.) Buy a house - My sister is growning FAST ! She need a private room and my parents , especially my mum need a more relaxing and peaceful environment.
5.) Go on a few long Vancation , with my family , my fren , and with her - for weeks , not days
6.) to be continue......
WIll come back to update it all again..make it a long long one...hehehe... April 17 What Does Your Birth Date Mean?
Should i have this reveal to everyone that read my blog ?
The above lines do past my mind when i want to blog this , but sadly is i found that the machine seems to understand me so well ...
@@ so that's explain why i didnt get along with a lot of ppl but Machine suit me the best ?
>_< i dont want that loh ........ March 19 我是我。正在调整着。。。
正在改变着。。。
改什么？不是改变自己 ，我还是我 ，
我还是你认识的 ｔｏｔｏ ， 只不过要替换心态 。。。
换些什么？ 应该是这样吧 ：
心态偏向“自我“，
不刻意討好， 把焦點調回自己，專注於發揮我本身的吸引力， 別太情緒化， 抱著一種玩遊戲， 很FUN 的態度， 一種猶如玩 ＭＭＯＲＰＧ 遊戲般，不断去累積經驗值，不断去跑任务的思想， 以自我為中心， 要常常抱著一種“無所謂“的心態。 對任何事都不會太執著或太在乎， 處世態度自然。。。 其实我应该明白 ，最矛盾的人是女人。。。女人真正要的是一個不受她支配的男人， 一個能保護她又不會容忍她惡劣行為的的男人。。。 吸引一个女人，主要的应该在於我的性格，心態，
而不是我为她做了些什么。。。
一个真男人。
我是不是 ？我还不懂 ，我正在转换心态，但请妳留意。。。看着我。
我是 ｔｏｔｏ。
正在用行动感受着。
Tuning ....
Changing ....
What's changing ? Not changing myself , I am still me ,
I am still the toto that you know , just that i need to change my mood change my point of view ...
So what's turn into ? I guess it's surpose to be this :
Deviating to myself,
Do not flatter, Put the focus back to myself , concentrate on display my attractions, Dont be too emotional, Holds with a kind of attitude which like playing games , having " FUN ", Just like playing MMORPG game, continue to accumulate experience point , keep on go for the mission,
Take yourself as the center,
Keeping yourself with a thought that " doesn't matter at all " Wont too rigid or over caring of any matter,
Live the life with a natural manner... Actually I should have understand that , girls are the most contradictory one....
What a girl want is a guy that will not controll by her , a man that could protect her and will not tolerant with her aggression actions....
Attract a girl , the most important matter is on my disposition,
But not what I had done for her....
A real man.
Am i or not ? I still dont know that, i am changing , but please pay attention.... on me.
I am toto.
Feeling it right now with my motion.
August 14 gUesT bOOk ~ 客人簿
正所谓 [ 凡走过必留痕迹 ] ， 如果你们到过我的这个小小空间 ， 我也希望能够知道你们是谁 ， 你们的任何意见 ， 小弟也愿意聆听 ， 好让我能够更认识你们 ，也寻找到真正的自己 。 谢谢鲁 = ) |
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